Welcome to my brand new website; welcome to this newest, fullest incarnation of me.
This is the space where I will share my process of all the things—my healing, my writing, my offerings—but mostly it’s the space for me to be my truest, most vulnerable self. See, I believe we’re all craving this connection that only vulnerability can allow. And I’m here to offer that.
I will try to keep these blog posts on the shorter side because—well, let’s face it—we’re all busy. And I won’t lie, brevity has never been my strength. But if I can’t keep it short, then I promise to keep you engaged as we reach towards that true and deep connection.
So, here goes…
I’m here to launch my first ever book, Mary Walks, and I’ve chosen to offer it as an audiobook. The choice wasn’t mine, but rather a mandate from Mary herself, the subject of my book. I’ve been holding Mary (the historical mother of Jesus) for decades. She is my first story, and I don’t just mean the first one that had to get out into the world. I was born with this story; Mary is in my bones; she lay in my womb for the longest time, sitting up occasionally on the left side of my body, speaking in a whisper. And now, the Divine Mother is fully integrated within me.
This may all sound weird (and I’ve been called “freak” and “weirdo” for most of my life; I’ve also been called Goddess, Angel, Witch, crazy, beautiful. And the labels are always for you, my dear friends, for the collective so that we may better understand, and maybe even separate, the “other” outside of ourselves. To the best of my ability, I choose to live outside the labels. But this is for another blog post someday), but I will say that for the past 20 years, Mary has been guiding this story and how it has manifested every step of the way.
She first came to me in the dreaming, when I would have detailed dreams, nightmares really, of being her, right down to the shift covering the skin, and she would be protecting people, leading them to safety, oftentimes giving her body and life for them. And I felt somehow that I was her in a past life. But that was too arrogant to even think possible. At least that’s what I was taught.
Then there was Sarah MacLaughlin’s song “Mary” from her 1993 album Fumbling Towards Ecstasy. The lyrics deeply inspired my own healing from trauma and the birthing of this story. The song, on repeat for years, gave me the courage to speak.
There have been miraculous, magical things that have happened to make all of this undeniable to me. The most concrete one was when I was doing research for the novel in 2006, and even though I was a year into writing the manuscript, I was finally at my first scene. And it was Mary’s birth scene. I found myself struggling to write it because in all my research, I couldn’t find the name of Mary’s parents. I couldn’t just refer to them as “Maryam’s mom and dad,” because, well, the babe wasn’t born yet. So I sat…and breathed…and listened…and two names came to me: Anna and Joachim (the “J” pronounced as a “Ya”). I had never heard the latter name, and as soon as I placed the names onto the page, the scene flowed. After writing it, I found an obscure little book called Anna, Grandmother of Jesus by Claire Heartsong. I ordered it, and sure enough, Maryam’s parents’ names were Anna and Joachim.
So, I kept going. As much as I didn’t want to write this book. As much as I wanted to stop and say “no” to her over and over again. Each time I felt that urge, I would talk to a woman, usually a stranger, and she would say, “I want…no, I need to read that book.” I also had established historical fiction authors saying, “You’re taking on the virgin for your first book. You’re crazy…or brave.”
Yes, and yes.
I thought for the longest time I wanted this book to go the traditional route: agent, publisher, bookstore, readers. But Mary had a different idea. One that said: You not only have to write this story, but you have to birth it through your voice. What can I say? When Mary speaks, I listen. Though it did take me six years from the time she started saying this for me to let go of the idea of a traditional book in hand. Somehow, I thought that to be a “real writer,” I had to go the way of all those who walked before me. And I call bullshit—to myself and to the rest of the collective who thinks that one way is the only way to be. In anything.
So, here I am. Mary is here. Almost ready. Now, we’re just waiting on quality control to approve the audiobook for sale. I say “we,” because, well…Mary and I had a small team helping me birth her into being: Ty Ford recorded and produced the book; Matthew White did the cover art; and Stephanie Denzer, angel-saint herself, designed and colored the cover, designed and executed both of my websites, and held me together as I gave her a near-impossible deadline (we put all of this together in less than two months. More magic at hand).
So, again, here I am. Exposing my all my bits, jiggly and all, to the world, where you can decide what to do with it all.
Not only am I launching the book and the new websites, not only am I finally fully claiming Mary, but I am also introducing the truest version of me in this moment: Radha, my name given to me by one of my spiritual teachers, another name for Divine Mother, Shakti, Divine Feminine, Goddess.
Friends, this is vulnerability at its finest. And this is me.
I am here on this earth to help the world wake up, and through sharing my own continuous awakening process, I hope to do just that. And I promise to love you throughout, no matter how messy, no matter how beautiful. I hope you’ll join me.
Here is a little outtake from the recording session that in this one minute and thirty-four seconds (1:34) speaks volumes about this journey.
My gratitude that you are all here with me, my love for you is beyond!